[REC]

(Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/ )

Woah. It’s taken me a good few days to get around to writing up my report on this crazy movie, partly due to my own laziness but also because it was so damn scary it’s taken this long to get it out of my system.

REC is a little Spanish zombie movie set almost completely inside an apartment building stairway. A cute little Spanish television presenter and cameraman turn up at around midnight following some Firemen who have been called in. They are investigating some mental old woman who has been growling and stomping around in her apartment freaking out the neighbours. Old people are pretty scary at the best of times, but unfortunately this old woman isn’t just your regular sort of crazy lady, but a chubby rabies infested zombie with a fair amount of pace on her, as we find out when she starts chasing and chewing up the helpful firemen.

Word of this rabid lady must have got out pretty sharpish because when the firemen and other building residents attempt to run out of the building they find they’ve been sealed in by radiation suit clad government agents and have no way of leaving the building.

Surviving in a rather small apartment building (which at my count consists of only about half a dozen residences) with nowhere to run to, while having to avoid the ever increasing number of bitten-turned-zombie residents means that this film just doesn’t let up for a second. Nobody is safe for more than a few minutes as they move from room to room trying to somehow find a way out of this locked down building, each time failing and having to return to where they came from, fighting their way past the zombies they have just managed to avoid. And then gets really scary.

Sure, fumbling with the door keys while the bad guys race up behind you is a pretty cliche horror film staple, but in this situation I actually had my hand in my mouth wishing the survivors could get a break. The same can be said for all the other cliches here, of which there are many. Plus there is no nudity at all which is usually a big fail in my book but I’ll forgive that just this once, and after all the gore is great.

OK, the ending is pretty daft and annoying but it had to end somehow, and it was so creepy right up until the last few seconds that it doesn’t really matter. This is without doubt the scariest film I’ve seen in a long time, which is good because I was beginning to think I was getting desensitised to that sort of thing. It gives me faith that there are still decent scares out there. I just hope the remake ‘Quarantine‘ isn’t the shot-for-shot revamp the trailer seems to suggest. How retarded is that?

Gore Score B
Norks Score F
Originality C
Overall Score A

The Dead Next Door

(Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/ )

I have been trying to watch this film for several months but have only managed to make it 5 minutes into it each time I try.  It is the film that always seems to get put on when we get home from a Saturday night out at about 3am and consequently everyone falls asleep just as it starts.  However this time I decided to watch it at a more sensible hour so that I could finish the whole thing this time.

Starting a movie with a bunch of Zombies trying to rent Dawn Of The Dead in a video store is slightly concerning, giving the impression that this would stray too far into the parody domain that so many more recent films have fallen and of which I am not a huge fan.  Thankfully this turns out to be one of the better self deprecating films in the zombie canon.  Sure, there are characters called Raimi, Carpenter, Savini and even Romero present, but this never gets in the way of the story and it is quite possible to sit back and enjoy the movie without feeling you’re part of a fanboy project (even though it quite clearly is). 

What probably sets it apart from other fanboy films is the ridiculous gore effects, which is presumably where the whole budget went (lord knows it wasn’t spent on the acting!).  Many tongues are ripped out, zombies are decapitated, bodies are run over. In a highlight, a zombie head chews off a dudes fingers and we see the severed digits reappear from the bodiless zombies neck while he munches.  And not forgetting the death of the good doctor, who suffers twisted off legs, torn out stomach, a ripped off face AND even gets his hat stolen!

OK, there is a plot going on in amongst all this gore.  A Zombie loving cult are storing the living dead in their church basement and the Zombie Squad accidentally stumbles upon this group,  tries to deal with the situation and to try to find a cure.  Sadly this involves killing off far more of the humans than Zombies, but oh well, at least they tried.

It is certainly an outstandingly gory film, and I definitely enjoyed it on this front. However once all the Zombie Squad reached the cult church about an hour into the film the plot seemed to vanish and all that was left was to count up which human got killed next for whatever reason, which kind of spoilt all the big build-up.  Still, it was well made, had quality effects and some laughable dialogue and a more professional looking SOV zombie film I’ve yet to see.  As far as fanboy films go this is easily one of the best.

Gore Score B+
Norks Score D
Originality Score D
Overall Score B

Return of the Evil Dead

(Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/ )

AKA Return of the Blind Dead / El Ataque de los muertos sin ojos

I figure it is about time to watch the 2nd film in the quadrilogy of Blind Dead films before I forget the whole plot of the original. After all I saw the 1st one about 3 months ago, and with my memory that may as well be 3 years.

Although this is the 2nd in the series it is as much of a sequel to ‘Tombs..’ as Evil Dead 2 is to it’s predecessor. i.e. not a sequel at all, but more version 1.5. - Take the ‘zombies’ from the 1st film, keep the setting more-or-less the same but totally ignore everything that happened in the original and just redo everything from scratch using old footage from version 1 where appropriate.

We open with a flashback to the original Templars who are in the process of sacrificing a fair maiden by stripping her, removing and eating her heart, and drinking her ridiculously bright red blood. (which I suspect was stolen from a Hammer Horror film set). This probably doesn’t go down well with the villagers who catch up with these Templars, blind them by fire and burn them alive.

Cut to present day and The Blind Dead zombies\ghosts\mummies are reanimated by the local village dribbly Murdo for some reason or another. Something to do with revenge I think, although for what is unclear. (Maybe he’s annoyed that the villagers always throw rocks at him whenever they see him, who knows?)

Presumably having watched the beginning of the film himself Murdo has found a lady underneath some hay and straps her up, strips her and stabs her in the chest, which he knows will cause the Blind Dead to rise from the grave (using the same footage as the first film). Bizarrely these zombies are still armed with swords, which is surprising considering when they were killed they promised to return for revenge, and if I were threatened by immortal beings the last thing I would do is bury them with all their weapons. Hmm.

From here on in we are treated to the spooky slow-mo zombies chasing and hacking up everyone in the nearby village (who are celebrating the anniversary of the original murder of the Templars, involving possibly the longest firework display in history). Naturally most of the villagers are slaughtered (in slow motion usually) by swords to their guts, but a few do escape and hide away in the church to wait it out, somewhat unsuccessfully. (lesson - if someone in your party gets decapitated sticking his head out an underground passage DO NOT scream in panic and stick your own head out the same hole. Although this is more common sense than learned knowledge to be honest).

Easily the films highlight comes in this church where the Mayor sends out a small 6 year old girl out to the zombies so as to distract them while he tries to escape himself. Sheer genius!

Although there is some reasonable gore here (particularly in the Spanish version) I think the original Tombs of the Blind Dead was spookier and more effective as a horror film. The zombies themselves were creepier, stalking by sound rather than slaying at random and it was generally more suspenseful. However this version does have better effects, characters and budget. Plus I think it has a higher nork count so it depends what you’re after I guess.

Gore Score C+
Norks Score C+
Overall Score C+