Devouring the flesh of the living

Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/)

An old friend of mine warned me off this film a long time ago telling me that it was utter horse-turd.  I was also well aware that it was released on the ‘Hard Gore’ label, which (from numerous personal experiences) almost always means ‘avoid this DVD as if it had smallpox’.  

Despite all this I took the plunge and paid actual money for this film when I found it for better-than-cheap on eBay.  I remember the trailer as having some rather impressive gore, and I figured that ‘hey, even if the movie is awful at least the gore looks impressive’.  And I was right.  To an extent.

As I expected, all the best gore in the film is present during the trailer itself, without any of the guff plot and acting to sift through.  However apart from this standard cardinal sin the movie makes an even more inexplicable error right from the start : The opening credits are interspersed with upcoming scenes from the film, showing the actual deaths of the characters before we’ve even been introduced to them!  Yes, after the credits you will recognise that ‘this dude gets his ear bitten off’ and ‘this guy gets his head ripped away’, as well as ‘oh, that’s the girl who gets her eyes pulled out’.  It takes even the slightest possibility of enjoyment from this movie out of the equation as soon as the film starts. I spent the whole 70-odd minutes waiting for the gore effect i’d seen in the opening to happen to the current character on screen that I knew was due.

It is all unbelievably boring, and the filmmakers must have know this because they split the movie into two different parts.  The first follows an army veteran who is out driving in some forest with his girlfriend.  Some un-noteworthy nonsense happens resulting in his girlfriend being tied to a tree by some dude, and the veteran is forced to exercise himself to death .  Yes, he is killed by press-ups and star-jumps. NOT EVEN BY A ZOMBIE!

The 2nd equally unexciting episode follows a couple and their random friend who are out camping in (what looks like) the same forest, when they uncover a grave of an old pirate looking family who come back to life and kill everyone.  Surprisingly.

If it hadn’t lost enough points from just being eyebleedingly boring, the film also loses points by committing the ultimate no-no.  A really really awful sex scene in which the young lady spends the entire (1 minute or so) still wearing her bra.  Seriously film-makers ; If your actress doesn’t want to show her norks on film then don’t bother including a ’sexy’ romp in a tent.  It looks daft, is just as boring as the rest of the nonsense.

So there you go.  The zombie screen time in the whole film is about 3 minutes, and the trailer lasts for 4. Utterly worthless.  I’d probably prefer to leave wine stains on my tables than even take this disk out the box to use as a coaster in-case it reminds me of the film.

Gore Score C
Norks Score F-
Orginality Score D
Overall Score D-

Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/)

Well, it’s a bit of an unusual one for me this time. My usual rule for what gets included here is that ‘If it’s a film and I can buy it on DVD then I’ll include it’. Well, for those who don’t know, Dead Set was a short 5 part TV series, which I watched and thoroughly enjoyed. However, as it wasn’t a movie then I felt it wasn’t right to include it. I don’t want to get into the habit of writing up every little zombie event, because there is more than enough to keep me busy in just the DVD market. However, when I found that this series was available to buy on a single DVD, with a full running length of just under 2 and 1/2 hours then I felt I could break the rules and include it here. Besides, when I re-watched it I went for the ‘View All’ option to see each of the 5 episodes back to back, which I guess could count as a movie.

Set in and around the reality TV show ‘Big Brother’, Dead Set follows the events of a mass zombie (or miscellaneous infection) outbreak and it’s effects on the game-show participants. While they start out unaware of the crisis they soon realise something is amiss when Big Brother stops talking to them and the cameras start turning off. When one of the production team breaks into the set covered in blood and being chased by one of the infected they pretty much come to realise that something is happening outside their safe walls, and are somewhat startled by the way the staff member dispatches of her assailant (taking a fire extinguisher and bashing his entire head to smithereens!)

This woman and the remaining housemates who have managed to avoid being eaten assess their situation and decide that remaining in an securely locked house with its own greenhouse and solar power is the best solution to wait out the problem. However, the shows producer has other ideas and manages to find his way into the house himself with the sole intention of getting the keys to a production van and getting the hell outta Dodge.

With an absolutely superb script and top class acting throughout this could easily made it into mainstream cinema. Production, direction, special effects are all of high quality, and it begs the question why a TV drama series can get so much right that hundreds of full theatrical productions fail to manage.

The gore on show here is great, in particular considering it was originally a prime time TV show. Heads are smashed, bodies are dissected in gruesome closeup detail, flesh is ripped from necks, and a handy pot of human flesh is thrown around as ‘bait’.

Sure, not everything is perfect. The zombies are the now ubiquitous running variety from 28 Days Later, and the frenetic camerawork could also have come direct from that movie, but it helps keep the pace of the film flat out.

The overall highlight of the film is the dialogue from the mouth of the shows Producer. I can’t remember a character who had better lines since Jesse Ventura in Predator. He is superb, even though he may as well be Captain Rhodes in a different guise. Awesome. Highly worth finding on DVD, and I hope it makes it outside the UK because it is one of the best British zombie productions for a number of years.

Gore Score B
Norks Score C-
Originality Score C
Overall Score B+

AKA Blind Dead IV

Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/)

It’s about time I complete the quadrilogy of Ossorio zombie\mummy\skeleton\vampire movies, with the final film in the series – Night Of The Seagulls.  The box set has been calling out for me to finish it off and now is as good a time as any, particularly as I have been viewing mostly modern zombie horrors of late and feel the need to delve back in time.

Having been rather disappointed, albeit mildly amused by the last film The Ghost Galleon, Ossorio was back on form with his last Blind Dead film.  Starting out more-or-less the same as his previous efforts with a flashback to the days of the original Templars and their dastardly acts – again involving kidnapping a young lady, ripping off her top and cutting out her heart to drink the blood.  However here they are feeding the heart to a goblin-fish looking statue for some in-explained reason, presumably involving everlasting life.

Cue present day, and a freshfaced GP and his wife are moving into a scummy fishing village to start up as the GP for the local residents, but receive a rather hostile welcome.  It turns out that outsiders are not particularly welcome, probably because the villagers have a tendency to sacrifice their young women every 7 years to the Templars (who are now just skeletons residing in the massive nearby castle).  Apparently every 7 years 7 women have to be sacrificed over 7 nights otherwise the Blind Dead horsemen will rampage through the village slaughtering the population.  How the villagers discovered this was necessary is beyond me though, the Templars can’t speak or do anything other than ride horses and chop up ladies.  Maybe they clubbed together to write a threatening letter to the village laying out their plans?  Who knows.

Anyway, the doctor and his good wife discover what is going on thanks to the local village mong who spills the secret to them.  Naturally they feel this is a bit of a bad situation so they go and investigate which surprisingly causes the Templars to get a bit miffed, who then attack the whole village.

Almost all aspects of the Blind Dead series are present and correct.  Zombie skeletons rising from the tombs, slow stalking of  victims, chained up women with their norks on show, and the horsemen riding in slow-motion through the surrounding scenery.  However one aspect that is missing is the creepy music that used to accompany the templars rising up and riding out on the hunt.  This sadly means that the film seems more daft and while still atmospheric it is lacking the chill factor of the first 2 films.

Still, there is enough going on here to ensure that the series ended on a much better note than if Ossorio had stopped after the bizarre 3rd film, and it gives me the appetite to go back to the first film to remind myself how the series begin. However as a stand alone film it’s just too remeniscent of the (at the time quite recent) Wicker Man to be truly original.

Gore Score D
Norks Score C-
Originality Score D
Overall Score D+