Time to delve into the murky world of the late-night Horror Channel for this little number: Zombie Dearest (2009). Low expectations are needed when undertaking such a mission; low expectations and a resolve of steel to make it to the end of a film that promises so little. Well, we’re happy to report that our expectations were not misplaced; Zombie Dearest is one of the worse breeds of low-budget horror – slow, boring and unfunny.
So what is the film actually all about? Well the basic plot revolves around a young couple trying to repair their relationship. (It appears that getting naked in front of your sister-in-law with a finger-puppet on your ‘unmentionables’ doesn’t do your relationship much good). They go about this marriage guidance in a curious manner; the wife decides to get a job with her ex-boyfriend and the husband decides to excavate the septic-tank at the back of their house. While doing so he excavates a dead body that he accidentally brings back to life by grabbing its ‘jolly wobbler’ while coincidentally wishing he had some help with this excavation malarkey. (Apparently ones desires can be granted by holding onto a dead persons wanger and making a wish – who knew?). This zombie then comes to life and takes over the digging duties while the husband decides to hone his stand-up comedy routine.
Now, usually the final sentence of the above paragraph would be “…with hilarious results!” but not this time. Neither the plot itself nor the stand up comedy (which seems to consist entirely of Caveman jokes) provoke a smile or even a groan of embarrassment. It’s actually hard to tell whether this stand-up comedy is intentionally unfunny or if the script of the movie is the failure.
Whether the jokes are meant to be funny or not is not the only confusing thing about this film. Sometimes the characters act as if they’re terrified by the rampaging zombie day-worker, sometimes they treat the movie as if it’s a comedy and aren’t bothered by the walking corpse at all. There’s no method to the madness here, you’ve genuinely no idea when a scene starts whether the characters will play for laughs or for horror. Not that this matters really; neither genre works to any extent – the comedy is never funny and the horror is never scary. There’s no gore, no jokes, no fun, and it’s unbearably slow to even get going. It’s a shame really, because the plot has some originality in there – creating a zombie by mistake and forcing them to act as a slave while the couple try to live out their dreams isn’t something that has been done before (well, Fido had zombie slaves as pets, so I guess it’s not that original after-all).
This movie also has to be marked down for committing two cardinal sins of horror movies – showing a sex scene where the characters stay in their clothes, and including such as ridiculously cop-out ending. Seriously, even a tacked on Hollywood style happy ‘Coda’ ending would have been better than the garbage route they went with.
Gore Score F
Norks Score F
Originality Score C+
Overall Score D-
It should be a rule that if you’re making a really terrible zombie movie, you are required to include at least one topless scene. I feel like I can skip this one and not feel any kind of remorse. Thanks.
Hey, don’t just restrict this rule to terrible movies. I can’t think of any movie good OR bad that wouldn’t be improved by a little norkage!
You’re right. That is the missing ingredient in Cars 2.
Sometimes I think there will never be a worst movie ever, but when you’re talking about a walking corpse popping out of a septic tank because a cheating stand up comedian touched his ding a ling, I’d say we’ve got a serious contender. What. The. Hell.
Yeah, I do enjoy originality in my movies, but not when they appear to have been concieved by a bunch of drunken teenagers.
Ouch! I was drawn to its title and almost rented Zombie Dearest last week. I’m glad I didn’t! Clothed sex scenes are indeed a sin whether they are in a horror movie or not! For shame!
PS: I dig how you included your website and name on the movie poster.
God, this film was awful. You dodged a bullet by skipping it, I’d say. Even re-reading my review now reminded me of the garbage movie more than I would have liked.
Thanks for the poster comment. I like to add a little something to my posts to seperate them out from all the other horror movie blogs out there. I just stick my details on there on the off-chance someone comes across it on a Google Images hunt or something so they know where it came from.