King of the Zombies

Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/)

“If there’s one thing I wouldn’t want to be twice, zombies is both of them”

Ah, googly-eyed Mantan Moreland. A star from back in the day when there was no such thing as Racism. Playing the standard role of ‘Scared Servant’ in almost all of his films, he parts with tradition for King of the Zombies and takes on the roll of ‘Scared Servant’. His job here is apparently to accompany his employer and friend on a plane which crashes onto a graveyard on a miscellaneous Caribbean island, and to be scared of everything.

This Island is the property of Miklos Sangre (Bela Lugosi – sorry, some actor called Henry Victor doing his best Lugosi impression). Sangre is an Austrian who has fled to the Caribbean, and apparently uses this base to radio out to some unknown people who all speak German.

Mantan and his team crash land on this island in 1941 just before WWII breaks out (or rather slap bang in the middle of WWII for the rest of the world) and are taken to Sangre’s mansion to await rescue. Because Mantan is a Servant (ie Black) he is told he cannot take a bedroom in the mansion with his employers but has to sleep in the Kitchen with the other Servants, and it is here that he meets the Zombies. Although being Pre-Romero these Zombies don’t actually do much other than look creepy while they queue up for their rations.

Well, it turns out that Sangre is actually an evil Nazi and has kidnapped another plane crash victim from the US army and is trying to extract war information from him by turning him into a hypnotised zombie. Stumbling into this plot is old Moreland who gets zombified by Sangre (for a while), which means he too has to act creepy and eat his rations. (Eating rations is apparently all that Zombies did back in the 40’s.)

It’s not a bad little movie really, although the plot is thread-bare the enjoyment comes purely from Mantans’ jokes and ludicrous scared expressions. Everything else is pretty much just padding between Moorland’s scenes, but that’s no bad thing. It’s also of interest to see just how Black actors were cast and treated back then, which would be hugely offensive if released in modern times but is now just an interesting snapshot of an outmoded era of cinema.

Gore Score D
Norks Score F
Originality Score F
Overall Score C

 

Exhumed

Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/)

So there I was, sat in a crummy hotel room in London on my own on the ‘lavish’ single bed with the TV’s On-Screen Program Guide covering up the whole picture so I can only hear the sound in the background. Oh well, why not get some wine in and watch the only DVD I have with me on my laptop. ‘Exhumed’. It turns out that I should have chosen to watch the static program guide instead, to be honest.

Exhumed is a turgid anthology of semi-zombie horror. 3 totally random episodes with nothing in common apart from a bizarre cobbled-together ending that pretends to tie the stories together. Firstly there is the dull story about some Japanese dude and a monk wandering in a forest looking for some artifact that can bring the dead back to life. Luckily it’s all in Japanese which masks how bad the acting really is, but it was far from classic – The fight scenes and the looks into camera were pretty dire. There are a few zombies dotted around the forest who get killed off, but there are no scares or even any excitement.

Secondly is a strange black and white noir-style film, which features some of the most appalling acting I have ever seen. It follows the adventure of some private detective lass who joins a seedy club to investigate a missing persons case, I believe. However I spent most of this section of the film with my jaw on the floor amazed at just how terrible the performances actually were while knocking back the wine that I missed out on most of the excitement, if there was any. Seriously, it was like watching a children’s school play rehearsal.

Long after my interest had faded into nothingness came the 3rd in the anthology. It seems to be set in the future with some vampires and werewolves fighting about something-or-other. This is the episode with some actual gore, but it was so amateur in it’s execution and I was so bored at this time that I couldn’t care less about any of it. Even when the chainsaw is brought out to slice up some fake body-parts I was thinking of turning this abomination off. However I stuck it out and was mildly amused when the vampire : werewolf lesbian scene kicked off, but it wasn’t enough keep me entertained and I turned the film off and curled up in the small hotel bed.

I did watch most of the final scene the next day on my train home, but was so embarrased to be seen watching it in public that I switched it off and went surfing for porn instead.

Gore Score D
Norks Score C-
Originality Score D
Overall Score F

 

Night of the Living Dead

I suppose it wouldn’t be a zombie film blog without reviewing the original flesh eater movie, which is surprisingly the last Romero film to make it onto this site.  Internet blogs and movie history books are littered with reviews of this film, ranging from it’s impact on the horror scene to the social, political and racial overtones it contains, and it would be pointless to take the same course when summing it up here.

So how do I discuss this film?  Well, the reason I had for watching it was because I am still fighting a losing battle to convince the girlfriend that Zombie films are all awesome.  I – perhaps unwisely – introduced her to the genre with Troma’s Redneck Zombies, with unsurprisingly failed to win her over.  The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue also missed the mark, and even Braindead – a film so outstanding that it should be mailed out to children at birth – couldn’t convince her.  Sure, she enjoyed Shaun of the Dead although that was for the comedy really, and 28 Days / Weeks Later also gets a tick in her box, but as we all know there aren’t any zombies in those films.  No, the only minor success I have had is with another Romero zombie movie, the superb Day of the Dead, which got the review of ‘alright’.  Sigh.  How about I go back to the drawing board and start with the film that converted many many people to the love of Zombies – George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead.

So, how did this film go down?  Well, she hated the characters of Barbra and Cooper, but that’s how everyone feels.  However she didn’t laugh out loud when Ben punches Babs in the face even though it’s the best part of the film.  She also got annoyed that Ben didn’t just wave his hands around shouting that he’s human at the end instead of just standing there and getting shot.  Maybe she’s got a point there.  Also, she was adamant before watching the film that there would never be a black & white horror film that would scare her and she stuck by that statement, never cowering behind a cushion or other such standard girlie actions.

Anyway, we all know how this films goes, but it was interesting to show it to someone who has never seen it before.  And her verdict?  It was ‘Passable’.  Hmm, maybe I’ll try out Return of the Living Dead next time, surely she’ll love that one?

Gore Score C-
Norks Score F
Originality Score B+
Overall Score A

 

The Serpent And The Rainbow

Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/)

Wow, a zombie movie more-or-less based on a true story?  Made by a famous director?  Featuring a famous and ubiqutious lead star?  Oh yes, there are no toxic-waste spewing, brain-chomping undead rotters in this 1980’s flick.  Hot on the heels of the awesome ‘Spaceballs’, Bill Pulman kicks off his 3-random-films-every-single-year-from-then-until-eternity career with this Haiti set real life voodoo exploration.

Having been attacked, drugged by a creepy voodoo Bokor and then stalked by jaguars in Haiti just after the opening credits, Bill Pulman returns to the US only to be told that he has to head back to the country to root out some mystic death-faking (ie zombie) drug that could be used by the American government for some reason.  (Probably for misguided and unexplained military purposes, as is the way in zombie movies.)

Anyway, old Bill turns up over in Haiti and starts hanging out with some doctor lass who he surprisingly takes a liking too, even going so far as boning her under a waterfall. However, being the only white dude in the country he attracts suspicion from the local government and they take it upon themselves to attack, drug and then provide him a (slightly unwanted) scrotal body piercing service.  Still, at least it was free, eh?

Thankfully he manages to get up and about the place following this incident, and goes about his task of trying to find this magic zombie anaesthetic while still getting his end away with the doctor chick and hallucinating quite a bit on a daily basis.  He still gets chased around by the evil baddies though, it’d be boring if the just let him go and forgot about him.

The Serpent And The Rainbow was a really enjoyable affair. While a decent thriller in its own right, it’s also good to see a film that truly goes back to the roots of zombie culture, which this film does better than any film I’ve ever seen that’s not in black & white.  Educational, bloody, and a great ‘zombie rising from the grave to grab Bill Pullmans crotch’ scene.  What else could you wish for?  (Well ok yes, there are even Norks in this too).

Gore Score C
Norks Score D
Originality Score B
Overall Score B

 

Vengeance of the Zombies

Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/)

What are the prime ingredients for my favourite Zombie movies?  Made in the 1970’s – Check.  Terrible overdubbing – Check.  Rubbish effects – Check.  Unnecessary nudity – Check.  Yes, everything in Vengeance of the Zombies is present and correct.  Infact there are even more ludicrous elements to this movie, of particular note the daft jazzy score which plays over many of the tenser moments, totally ruining any sense of suspense or horror.

Aside from these novelty moments, Vengeance of the Zombies actually has a reasonably decent story of a particularly old-school living dead nature.  A mysterious voodoo master dressed incredibly similarly to ‘V’ from ‘V for Vendetta’ – mask and all – is murdering a bunch of people using a few zombie ladies he’s resurrected and some wax voodoo dolls for good measure.

Elvira falls victim to these voodoo shenanigans but luckily manages to escape while her father gets killed off instead.  To come to terms with this bereavement she decides to get out of the city and head to a little English village to shack up with her Buddhist teacher, who she also has the hots for.  However it appears that the voodoo trickster has followed her there and the bizarre killings continue.  It probably doesn’t help matters that the house Krishna the Buddhist is living in has an infamous history for debauched Satanic worshiping and murder.  Oh well.

OK, so the story is reasonable enough and the acting is of an acceptable standard, but overall it’s not really that gripping.  Unless some back story was edited out of my really terrible ripped from VHS DVD version there is not a hope that you’ll ever guess who the voodoo master is or what his motivation is until the big reveal at the end.  Not that it matters really, these Eurohorrors are best viewed for the cheesy nonsense, of which this has plenty.  It’s worth watching for the soundtrack alone.

Gore Score D
Norks Score C
Originality Score C
Overall Score C

 

Hide and Creep

I want to find out who invented the idea of a Zombie Comedy (and more importantly who coined the term “Zomedy”) and punch them in their stupid face.  It’s probably the same person who thought that ‘Vampires’ and ‘Romantic Movie’ would be a great combination.  Oh. My. God.  Zombies are rotting corpses that eat people.  Vampires wear stupid cloaks and chew on peoples necks.  Where’s the comedy or romance in that?

Still I can’t complain too hard because, like everyone, I love Shaun of the Dead.

Anyway, let us depart from the irrelevant, dubious and obviously drunken grammar\punctuation and get back to the film in hand.

Hide and Creep is a comedy zombie movie, but despite all that it is one of the most enjoyable zombie flicks I’ve watched in a good long time, and possibly the most dead-pan zombie comedy I have ever seen.

Sure, there is not one iota of originality in the whole film. Rednecks, government agents, strippers…  They are all present and correct, but it’s all done so well and should be a lesson to all wannabe zombie movie makers out there.

Hey, if a film can open with a chubby ugly naked dude with his wanger on show and yet still keep me interested in the movie then there’s something going for it.  It’s a pity the director had to combine it with his own ego project and cast himself as a wannabe-Tarantino-dialogue-spouting hero, but hey, if it’s your film then do what you want.  At least he made a decent film, even though he was boring and predictable in it.

Oh yeah, the film itself…  Well, the plot from Plan 9 From Outer Space comes true, and a bunch of dead rednecks come back to life as zombies, and the living hicks have to defend themselves and the town from undead invasion.  That’s pretty much it, except that the script, characters, acting and even direction are amazingly good for such a low budget film.  Plus it has lesbian zombies in it, which cannot be a bad thing.

Gore Score C+
Norks Score B-
Originality Store C-
Overall Score B+

 

Poultrygeist

Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/)If there were ever a zombie film that was crying out to be made it is this zombie-chicken-lesbian-musical-romantic-horror-comedy movie, also known as Poultrygeist.  Yes, Troma come up trumps again with possibly the greatest Zombie movie of the decade.  Everything that you could ever want in a movie is present here.  Gore, Nudity, Horror, Comedy, Music, Dancing and Zombie Chickens.  Hell, even fat dudes pebble-dashing restaurant toilets in disgusting brown slurry.  This film has everything.  Sheesh, there is even a plot occurring here somewhere, if that’s what you’re into.

A new fast-food chicken restaurant is opening that happens to have been built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and the displaced Indian spirits are none too pleased.  To teach the owners a lesson the spirits decide to take over the carcasses of the dead chickens and cause havoc and murder towards both employees and customers alike within the new establishment.

Not everyone is overjoyed at the prospect of a new chicken snackery, in particular the local lesbian protest group; the College Lesbians Against Multiconglomorates (C.L.A.M).  One such lesbian happens to be the ex-girlfriend of local loser Arbie, who decides to teach his ex a lesson by getting a job in the chicken establishment and serving the dead birds to all who come along.

However, mearly minutes after beginning his shift on opening day the possessed chickens kick off their plan, killing off several staff members and splattering guts all over the walls.  This is just the beginning.

What follows are musical numbers, dances, naked lesbian romps, gore, satire, explosions, blood and even a truly disgusting toilet scene involving Troma favourite ‘Lardass’ which needs to be seen to be believed (or never EVER seen if you have a remotely sensitive stomach).

This is without doubt the greatest Troma film ever made, the greatest zombie musical ever made, one of the goriest zombie movies ever made, and the best undead chicken film that has ever seen the light of day.  Even to take a remotely serious note for a second (which is is almost heresy for a troma movie) this film hits every catagory any Zombie lover could ever wish for.  Social satire that is up there with Romero.  Gore easily on par with Savini.  Enough nudity to please even the harshest of 12 year old critics, and even a musical score that is genuinely inventive and impressive.

To put it simply, Poultrygeist is possibly the one film that could transform a Troma-hater into a Troma-fanatic, and that is quite an impressive achievement.

Gore Score A
Norks Score A
Originality Score A
Overall Score A

 

Dance of the Dead

Crossposted at Blog of the Living Dead

“You get the machete”
“But I don’t know how to shoot a machete.”

Ah another day another zombie comedy.  Dance of the Dead has been on my radar for months having heard all the praise lavished on it following its showing at the South By Southwest festival earlier in the year.  So how does it actually stand up against all the hype?

More-or-less set during a single day (which is surprisingly common for zombie films, unlike most mainstream movies) Dance of the Dead follows a bunch of highly cliche schoolkids as they try to survive the unoriginal zombie attack on their school.  Having been raised from the dead (presumably due to the nearby nuclear power-station) on the evening of the high-school prom, the zombie plague ravages the little town, finally converging on the school.  The Sci-fi club were naturally too nerdy to get dates to this event, but were unfortunately stupid enough to be spending their evening playing Ghostbusters in the nearby cemetery during the zombie uprising.  They have to group together to find all their fellow dateless losers and formulate a plan to come to the rescue of the prom guests.

Pure wish-fulfilment fantasy from start to finish, Dance of the Dead might well have been a script John Hughes accidentally misplaced in the 80’s and rediscovered in 2008.  Losers talking back to teachers, Nerds rescuing cheerleaders, schools exploding, kids saving the day… all this harks back to the glory-days of teen cinema.  The actors here actually are the age they’re playing, the jokes are brilliant and not just tacked on, and the horror is played straight giving the perfect example of how to pitch a horror-comedy.

There are some great scenes here, in particular the grave-rising which reminded me of the motorcycle zombie scene from Dellamorte Dellamore (as did the gravekeeper).  Also we have zombies who actually call for “braaaiiins!” (which is strangely a stereotype that is almost never seen in zombie films), and a cheerleader who turns undead at a particularly unfortunate moment for the geek she is about to ‘romance’.

I found this a great addition to the zombie genre.  Sure, it’s ludicrously unoriginal as everything in this whole film has been done over-and-over elsewhere, but who cares?  It was genuinely funny and brilliantly acted, and the whole package was top class.  I hope that one day people look back on this movie with the same fondness we give to Return of the Living Dead.

Gore Score B-
Norks Score F
Originality Score D
Overall Score A-

 

The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue

I recently decided that it is about time I initiate the other-half into the wonders of zombie cinema, and have been debating the best film to use for such a momentous occasion. I wanted to avoid any of the big Romero films as I thought it best to show that there are plenty of enjoyable gems that she probably hasn’t heard of. Now, the choice of movie could have taken 2 paths : a trashy zombie exploitation-fest featuring plenty of gratuitous gore and nudity – low on plot and acting skills but high on enjoyment, or a more serious film with tension, scares, classic zombies and a bit of the old ’social commentary’. I decided to go with the serious film as I don’t really want to confirm all the suspicions she has of me just yet, and I wanted to show that there are genuine good films in my collection. Decision made, I settled on The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue.

Set in England somewhere in grim ‘Up North’, TLDATMM starts off strangely, with an unexplained naked woman running across a busy city road in slow motion and a hippy dude on a motorbike riding out into the hills to sell some demon-like statues. This chap pulls into a petrol station to fill up, but sadly some dippy woman reverses her car over his bike and he is forced to hop in with her and take over the driving duties, leaving his bike behind. It is a strange setup to get these 2 random people together, but not as strange as his accent – sounding like a Northern version of Michael Caine. Indeed, all the dubbed over accents in this movie are awesome. Almost every British dialect is present and correct in glorious over-the-top fashion.

This accidental couple arrive at a farmhouse and are immediately embroiled in a murder inquiry – this murder being the first zombie attack of the film. Obviously the police don’t believe that this was a dead guy returned to life to murder random strangers, so the blame is dumped on this couple, and they take it upon themselves to find out if it really is the dead coming back to life.

Pah! Of course it’s Zombies! Some dribbly tramp zombie is bringing the dead back to life by smearing blood on them, and they all then roam about making groaning noises and chomping on human guts, all the while the hippy and the ginger bird try to avoid them. Sadly, everywhere they go the Zombies seem to pop up (even if there are only half a dozen of them), but naturally the police never set eyes on the undead so continue to chase after the couple until the final showdown at the hospital where much slaughter, burning and breast munching occurs.

It’s a bit of a slow burner to start with, but when it gets going it’s classic stuff. Atmospheric and creepy with some great music and some fantastic set pieces – particularly the graveyard siege – it’s fully deserving of it’s classic status.

It’s just a pity my old lady didn’t enjoy it. “..but they’re so slow, just run past them!” Honestly, it’s going to take some convincing to get her on board.

Gore Score C
Norks Score C
Originality Score C
Overall Score B+

 

Return of the Evil Dead

(Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/ )

AKA Return of the Blind Dead / El Ataque de los muertos sin ojos

I figure it is about time to watch the 2nd film in the quadrilogy of Blind Dead films before I forget the whole plot of the original. After all I saw the 1st one about 3 months ago, and with my memory that may as well be 3 years.

Although this is the 2nd in the series it is as much of a sequel to ‘Tombs..’ as Evil Dead 2 is to it’s predecessor. i.e. not a sequel at all, but more version 1.5. – Take the ‘zombies’ from the 1st film, keep the setting more-or-less the same but totally ignore everything that happened in the original and just redo everything from scratch using old footage from version 1 where appropriate.

We open with a flashback to the original Templars who are in the process of sacrificing a fair maiden by stripping her, removing and eating her heart, and drinking her ridiculously bright red blood. (which I suspect was stolen from a Hammer Horror film set). This probably doesn’t go down well with the villagers who catch up with these Templars, blind them by fire and burn them alive.

Cut to present day and The Blind Dead zombies\ghosts\mummies are reanimated by the local village dribbly Murdo for some reason or another. Something to do with revenge I think, although for what is unclear. (Maybe he’s annoyed that the villagers always throw rocks at him whenever they see him, who knows?)

Presumably having watched the beginning of the film himself Murdo has found a lady underneath some hay and straps her up, strips her and stabs her in the chest, which he knows will cause the Blind Dead to rise from the grave (using the same footage as the first film). Bizarrely these zombies are still armed with swords, which is surprising considering when they were killed they promised to return for revenge, and if I were threatened by immortal beings the last thing I would do is bury them with all their weapons. Hmm.

From here on in we are treated to the spooky slow-mo zombies chasing and hacking up everyone in the nearby village (who are celebrating the anniversary of the original murder of the Templars, involving possibly the longest firework display in history). Naturally most of the villagers are slaughtered (in slow motion usually) by swords to their guts, but a few do escape and hide away in the church to wait it out, somewhat unsuccessfully. (lesson – if someone in your party gets decapitated sticking his head out an underground passage DO NOT scream in panic and stick your own head out the same hole. Although this is more common sense than learned knowledge to be honest).

Easily the films highlight comes in this church where the Mayor sends out a small 6 year old girl out to the zombies so as to distract them while he tries to escape himself. Sheer genius!

Although there is some reasonable gore here (particularly in the Spanish version) I think the original Tombs of the Blind Dead was spookier and more effective as a horror film. The zombies themselves were creepier, stalking by sound rather than slaying at random and it was generally more suspenseful. However this version does have better effects, characters and budget. Plus I think it has a higher nork count so it depends what you’re after I guess.

Gore Score C+
Norks Score C+
Overall Score C+