Colin

Colin has been doing the rounds on the wordwide filmfest circuit for several years now, but has only recently received any serious distribution. Heck, the magazine I co-write for – RevenantMagazine.com – showed Colin at their yearly film festival back in 2008 (where it received high praise too, long before the current PR Hoopla I might add). So, critics seem to love it, and the zombie fans who have seen it before everyone else loved it too. How about the zombie fan who saw it when it actually got released, now that there is no cred to be gained from seeing a hyped film before it’s fully out in the wild? Well, that is the camp I fall into.

Low-budget zombie movies probably make up around 50% of the films from my blog, so it’s fair to say I have had a fair amount of exposure to both the excellent and the abominable no-cost undead films. But then does my opinion really matter? Well no, not really. But i’m going to give it anyway.

Colin is a fantastic low-budget movie which totally shows up just how poor the majority of other SOV zombie films really are. The direction is superb, there are some amazing camera shots that both look good and genuinely add to the story, and the actual plot has both originality and some real soul to it, especially considering that there is next to no dialogue in the entire film.

OK, we’ve had films from the point of view of the zombie before. Most notably a similar British movie I, Zombie. However, this is probably the first movie to follow the Revenant while he goes about his business as a real Zombie during the Z-War Apocalypse. We get glimpses of the few remaining humans racing past Colin during his seemingly aimless roaming of the streets, see zombies devouring the numerous corpses and even get to meet Colins’ living family members as they bump into their corpsified relative.

While the majority of the film seems to have very little plot whatsoever it soon becomes apparent that this really is not the case, and that Colin is actually a film about how thoroughly ingrained into our conscience the experiences we live through really are.

Sure, it’s not a perfect movie. For what seems like 5 minutes we get to see a girl stumbling around in a pitch-black cellar not really being able to see what is going on, and throughout the film the frenetic ’shaky camera’ effect when the action kicks in is so over-the-top that it just causes nausea and confusion rather than add to the atmosphere. But these issues can be overlooked by the fact that this film really does try to do something different, and totally succeeds. I was so engrossed that I didn’t realise until the end that there was no nudity whatsoever! Now that must be a good recommendation.

Gore Score C
Norks Score F
Originality Score A
Overall Score B+

 

Wasting Away

Ah, the old ‘chemical experiments on recruits to create a new breed of super-soldiers’ plot. The current standard for zombie films. Can’t we kick off another Cold War or have a new Nuclear Arms Race or something? Anything just to get a new idea for reanimating the dead.

At least Wasting Away tries to do something reasonably original, that is by infecting the stars with zombism – via neon green zombie beer ice-cream no less – without their knowing. Yes, these 4 losers have become zombies and don’t even realise it. They see each-other as full-on normal chaps, but to everyone else they are the walking dead. This is done quite cleverly by showing the scenes of the main stars in colour, while whenever anyone else glances at them the film switches to black-and-white and we see them as they really are – veiny, shuffling members of the undead.

As unique as this sounds for a film it does present some problems. The first minor issue is that blood and gore looks a lot more exciting when it’s in colour. Secondly – and this is the main problem – having one unusual interesting idea is not really enough to base an entire movie on. Oh yes, it’s all good and fun the first couple of times the camera switches to Black and White and we see them transposed as zombies, but when that is the whole plot device and we have to sit through it again and again it just gets irritating. If they actually wrote a story around this idea then maybe it wouldn’t be so annoying. But there isn’t one. It’s just some crappy characters becoming unexpected zombies who spend half the film hanging out together not realising their condition, and the other half hanging out still not really doing anything but this time with an army private who has the same condition.

I guess they were trying to go for the ‘Return of the Living Dead’ comedy angle, but the film it really reminded me of was Idle Hands. And that’s a shame as I quite like that movie, but I don’t want to be reminded of this plotless borefest the next time I watch that.

OK, the acting is actually pretty good for a low budget film, there are a couple of genuinely funny moments, and having one unique idea is better than none, I suppose. But surely there needs to be something more to fill out a whole film? Hell, there’s not even any nudity or any real gore? Seriously, what’s the point of that?

Gore Score D
Norks Score F
Originality Score B
Overall Score D-

 

Zombieland

Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/)

We’ve all have conversations about what we’d do if we were the last person alive, and although Zombie movies often present this situation nobody ever seems to take advantage of it. Sure, recently we’ve had Last of the Living where the guy do spend a while just kicking back, squatting in big mansions and raiding the nearby stores for cool CDs, but eventually it all goes pear-shaped as expected. Not so with Zombieland.

Making the most of the seemingly endless electricity and petrol (best not ask how these are still working) Tallahassee just kicks-ass, drives his big 4×4 searching for the last box of Twinkies (soft, yellow, delicious bastards) and beats Zombies over the head with whatever comes to hand. Columbus, however, is a geekly World of Warcraft fan who has survived by following his own series of rules, such as having good cardio (although how a skinny loser who survives on Golden Grahams and Mountain Dew has such good cardio is bizarre.)

Naturally there as some chicks involved, who do what women are good at : getting in the way of the fun, being annoying and not putting out for the guys! Sheesh.

Anyway, these 3 peeps get together, have some arguments, get to know each-other and start bonding (well, the film does have to be about something I suppose).

In amongst the thin plot are some great zombie movie moments. There is some of the best use of Slo-mo since Baywatch, some great zombie kills (death by banjo, rollercoaster, grand piano and even car door) as well as the accidental murder of a celeb. Sure, there could’ve done with some more zombies, and the ones that were there don’t really have the look of the undead about them (just the odd bruise and lots of bloody faces, no limbs hanging off or suchlike). However it is highly refreshing to watch such a gleefully enjoyable zombie movie, one that doesn’t restrict itself to a typical siege plot and especially one that doesn’t attempt to give a nonsense explanation to the zombie epidemic, it just gets on with it.

Gore Score B-
Norks Score D
Originality Score B-
Overall Score A

 

Tokyo Zombie

Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/)

Regular readers of this blog will know that I have a particular soft spot for Japanese Zombie movies. Stacy, Bio-zombie, Junk – all have some bizarre yet awesome quality. Tokyo Zombie certainly falls into this category, albeit being less of a horror and more of a comedy than the others in their camp.

Fujio and Mitsuo are a pair of slackers who spend most of their time practicing their Jiu Jitsu rather than getting on with their jobs, whatever that may be. They are interrupted in the middle of some martial-arts action by their boss, who naturally doesn’t take too kindly to these shenanigans. A small tussle erupts between the two guys and the boss and he ‘accidently’ gets knocked over the head with a fire extinguisher. Instead of reporting this incident to the police the decide the best course of action is to take the body and bury it up Black Fuji, the nearby garbage pile where everyone dumps their unwanted goods and relatives.

Naturally being a Zombie movie this is the point where the dead bodies buried here decide to return to life and chomp on the local residents. Using their impressive Jiu Jitsu skills these two friends fight their way to their van and embark on a road trip toward Russia, because obviously that’s where the real men go.

While not really a Horror movie (although it does have more than its fair share of decapitations) Tokyo Zombie is more of a buddy comedy film, with the two friends joking, wrestling and arguing with each other for the majority of the time they are together on screen. That isn’t a particularly long time however, as one of the two meets an unfortunate end following a kidnapping of a young lady, and the other is forced to take this lass as his, er, wife. This is where the film switches from a Zombie Outbreak film to a Zombie Aftermath one, as we get to see what happens to the survivors of the zombie plague once everyone else is mostly dead. (Apparently the world becomes much like Romero’s Land of the Dead.)

It was certainly an enjoyable movie, although it could have done with more zombies. And more Tokyo too, to be honest. Still, there is some pretty impressive Jiu Jitsu, some slapstick farcical comedy and the odd bit of gore here and there. Plus it was good to see a film that covered 2 different eras of zombie outbreak – the before and after. It’s just a pity that the ‘after’ section was pretty barren of both laughs and plot.

Gore Score C
Norks Score F
Originality Score B-
Overall Score C+

 

Evil (To kako)

Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/)

Greek horror is not something I am particularly familiar with, but when such a situation presents itself you can – more often than not – count on Zombie Cinema to fill that gap. Undead movies can be found on almost all continents of the globe (i’m still waiting for those lazy penguins to get their act together and knock up a scary movie or two) with Europe a decidedly proficient area.

The makers of this gorefest have obviously seen many of them, as it’s cliche ridden from start to finish. Not that this is a bad thing however, as when would anyone complain about bodies ripped in half Capt Rhodes style, or too many eye gouges?! However, there is one thing that is lacking here, and that is the plot.

Some cavers have are exploring an uncharted grotto somewhere near Athens and uncover a mysterious ’something’ which apparently causes memory loss and delayed zombism, although we have no idea what this something is. These adventurers manage to get themselves out the cave and back home with no knowledge of how they got there.

The 3 of them then about their regular lives – going to a soccer match, going clubbing and eating dinner with their family. This is where the outbreak occurs as these 3 guys transform into flesh-eaters and devour those around them. We get to see a great scene where the soccer attendee turns to his neighbour and bites him, then turns around to the guy on his other side to do the same, while the first victim then turns to his neighbour to start feasting – it would have been a fantastic sight to have stuck with this view as the whole crowd turn on each other, but we are quickly and unsatisfactorily transferred to another outbreak elsewhere.

We are now at the stage of full outbreak, as a few survivors around the city try to escape and hide from the oncoming horde, while fighting off whichever zombie comes their way. Basically, this is what happens for the rest of the film. Survivors hide, do a bit of arguing, run away and beat up some zombies. There’s no character exploration, no real tension, but oh, is there plenty of gore! Heads explode, limbs rip off, and eyes are punctured with pure Peter Jackson glee.

This goes on until the final climactic scene – which was certainly a highlight – as we are treated to a overhead shot of zombies engulfing the city. This is not the only interesting directorial choice, as the film is riddled with 24-style split screens and picture-in-picture effects. It’s all good fun to watch, plenty of gore, but due to the lack of any real point it is ultimately a fun, if unsatisfying ride.

Gore Score A
Norks Score F
Originality Score D
Overall Score C-

 

RetarDEAD

When I heard of this film I pretty much knew instantly what sort of film it would be. I could practically hear the genre reviewers writing out the phrase ‘if you like the title you’re pretty much guaranteed to like the film’ And oh, how true that is. Appealing to the Troma fan in everyone (although it can take a bit of effort to bring it out of some people), RetarDEAD is a trash classic excelling in script, gore, offensiveness and utter, utter nonsense.

A mad scientist, fresh from resurrecting a turd monster in the previous film (MonsTURD) escapes the clutches of the boozy cops and sets up a new science lab in some abandoned factory. From there he sets out to find some test subjects for his (well meaning, but misguided) intelligence boosting experiments. He naturally selects the local mental hospital, and volunteers his services as a teacher.

While conducting his experiments the town police are hunting down both this escaped loon as well as the local pervert affectionately know as ‘the Weenie Waggler’. After being tracked down, this pervy nutjob points the cops to the new special needs teacher who has started working at the Special School in which he is the caretaker, so the cops rock on up to investigate. Unfortunately this is the point where the doc’s magic intelligence serum starts to backfire, causing the recipients to turn into flesh eating blue-grey Dawn of the Dead-style zombies.

This is the point of the film where the originality goes out the window, and the gore and slaughter kick off. The zombies start spreading, and the ridiculously cheap yet awesome entrails flow, more-or-less until the end of the film.

There are some excellent scenes in this movie : The cops tooling up ‘Here’s a handgun, another handgun, a sword, another handgun…..’), the mad scientist and his assistants dissecting a corpse for bait (involving A LOT of puking), plus the gore-gore girls surrounding and attacking their prey in the doc’s laboratory and dancing them to death.

Sure, we’ve seen a lot of this before, but such a great script and budget spent almost totally on latex gore effects and cameos (Jello Biafra!) this is something I love to see in my low budget B-movies. Hell, if there was some Nudity then it would’ve been perfect!

Gore Score A
Norks Score F
Originality Score C
Overall Score B+

 

Deadgirl

How best to discuss this unusual little number then? Shall I talk about the theme of unhealthy obsessions, and how such neuroses affects you and those around you? Should I approach it as a commentary on male teenagers and their dehumanisation of the female? Or shall I just take my standard approach and chat about this film as it really is : 3 kids finding a zombie tied up in a basement and using her as their own sex toy?

Yes, who hasn’t dreamt of finding a naked and rotting undead corpse tied up in an abandoned hospital and what you could do with such a Discovery? Obviously the last thing to cross your mind would be to report such a unreal scene the police. No, you’d decide to keep hold of it and visit ‘her’ every evening with your mates to play an elaborate game of hide the sausage. Heck, if you did find yourself in such a situation not only would you not be ashamed of your actions, you’d positively revel in it, so much so that you’d want your mates to stand around and watch while you violently defile the trussed up zombie.

It’s a strange situation our characters find themselves in for sure. Rickie and J.T. nip out of school to go boozing in an abandoned hospital. After getting smashed on one 6 pack of transparent beer between them they wander off exploring the building. Among all the smashed windows they discover a much more unusual sight : an unexplained bound naked zombie female on an operating table. Sure, they’re not the luckiest lads when it comes to love, and for our star who has pined over some ginger lass for his whole childhood it even crosses his mind that romancing the undead could be a valid lifestyle choice. Not so for J.T. – he doesn’t even need to think about it, this is the opportunity he’s been waiting for! His own sex slave, albeit slightly rotting and disgusting. Hell, there are worse lookers out there I suppose.

It all goes pretty gross as you’d imagine. People start to hear about this bizarre situation and want some of it for themselves. Dogs get eaten, teenagers lose their intestines, and our ‘heroes’ get beaten up by a tough lady after whacking her over the head with a tire iron on one of their rare excursions away from the freaky zombie.

Depending on how you look at it it’s either a very brave and unique zombie film with numerous fascinating underlying themes, or it’s a sick film of teenager-zombie rape. Either way it’s a great original movie that will certainly stay with you forever. Hmm, maybe that’s not such a good thing after all…

Gore Score C-
Norks Score D
Originality Score A
Overall Score B

 

Last of the Living

There are surprisingly few zombie movies where the undead call out for ‘braaiiins’, so when one comes along I’m all for it. The zombies in Last of the Living go one better by being particularly farty aswell – if there’s been one thing that the undead have been lacking in it’s flatulence.

Last of the Living is a high-art entry into the zombie canon, and follows three mates who have somehow inexplicably survived the zombie holocaust, despite being a bunch of lazy worthless bums. They have got the right idea though, as they have the run of their hometown to themselves and just move from vacant mansion to vacant mansion playing drums, watching the amazing ‘Great Bikini Workout’ DVD and listening to music. (Electricity is still working for some reason). Sadly this is all interrupted by their lack of food, so the boys tool up and head to town to loot some snacks, wading through the packs of undead.

One of the zombies they encounter happens to be one of the lads girlfriends, but unlike similar films he sensibly takes the opportunity to kill her off without any complaining, or even uttering the standard ‘but she’s my girlfriend…’ comment. (Bonus points for this!)

Anyway, in amongst all this shopping and house-moving they bump into a young lady who has developed a potential cure, and the bunch of lads decide to chaperon this lass to to the local hospital in order to perfect it. As is the way with Zombie films, trying to do some good doesn’t turn out that well and they’re swamped by the undead and fighting for their own survival when they could’ve been lazing about in some luxury apartment keeping to themselves.

This was a superb low-budget comedy zombie movie. The actors are clearly great mates and that relationship comes across superbly. The original soundtrack is impressive and coupled with the music video-style direction this is a great modern zombie comedy, and it’ll find a place alongside the Peter Jacksons’, Romeros’ and the Fulcis’ on my regular re-watch zombie shelf.

Gore Score C
Norks Score F
Originality Score C
Overall Score A

 

Zombiegeddon

Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/)

At last, a decent Zombie Movie! After a few weeks of boring unoriginal zombie flicks I felt I needed a reboot so turned to Troma to help me out of the lull. Thankfully Zombiegeddon delivers the trash I have been craving, and more.

The plot of Zombiegeddon is just some insane nonsense about the Devil summoning up a bunch of zombies to wipe out the whole population, but it is basically just an excuse to get from set-piece to set-piece, with a bunch of b-movie celebrity cameos thrown in for good measure. We have Jesus Christ (Tom Savini) in bed with Brinke Stevens, Lloyd Kaufman as a cowardly caretaker and Linnea Quigley as a school principal. There is a zombie hunter who takes his son and his pet zombie-eating tiger out on patrol with him, some incredibly corrupt cops who just murder innocent people for kicks and a cop vs zombie kung-fu fight!

The highlights for me were Lloyd Kaufman’s homophobic janitor who mistakes the zombies for some homosexuals, and runs off to hide in a closet for the remainder of the film, as well as a scene where the 2 cops pull over a carload of boys using some very suspect interrogation techniques.

If it were to be judged on technical merit then it would fail abysmally. The quality of the filming here is pretty dire, with some bottom-drawer acting, terrible sound recording and laughably bad gore (seriously, I swear I saw the bucket come into view when a load of blood was spurted\thrown onto a wall), but none of this matters when you’re watching a who’s who of trashy horror complete with a zombie-eating tiger in it.

For extra laughs I highly recommend reading some of the user reviews on the IMDB site for this film. Seriously, some people just don’t get it.

Gore Score C
Norks Score B+
Originality Score C
Overall Score B+

 

Exhumed

Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/)

So there I was, sat in a crummy hotel room in London on my own on the ‘lavish’ single bed with the TV’s On-Screen Program Guide covering up the whole picture so I can only hear the sound in the background. Oh well, why not get some wine in and watch the only DVD I have with me on my laptop. ‘Exhumed’. It turns out that I should have chosen to watch the static program guide instead, to be honest.

Exhumed is a turgid anthology of semi-zombie horror. 3 totally random episodes with nothing in common apart from a bizarre cobbled-together ending that pretends to tie the stories together. Firstly there is the dull story about some Japanese dude and a monk wandering in a forest looking for some artifact that can bring the dead back to life. Luckily it’s all in Japanese which masks how bad the acting really is, but it was far from classic – The fight scenes and the looks into camera were pretty dire. There are a few zombies dotted around the forest who get killed off, but there are no scares or even any excitement.

Secondly is a strange black and white noir-style film, which features some of the most appalling acting I have ever seen. It follows the adventure of some private detective lass who joins a seedy club to investigate a missing persons case, I believe. However I spent most of this section of the film with my jaw on the floor amazed at just how terrible the performances actually were while knocking back the wine that I missed out on most of the excitement, if there was any. Seriously, it was like watching a children’s school play rehearsal.

Long after my interest had faded into nothingness came the 3rd in the anthology. It seems to be set in the future with some vampires and werewolves fighting about something-or-other. This is the episode with some actual gore, but it was so amateur in it’s execution and I was so bored at this time that I couldn’t care less about any of it. Even when the chainsaw is brought out to slice up some fake body-parts I was thinking of turning this abomination off. However I stuck it out and was mildly amused when the vampire : werewolf lesbian scene kicked off, but it wasn’t enough keep me entertained and I turned the film off and curled up in the small hotel bed.

I did watch most of the final scene the next day on my train home, but was so embarrased to be seen watching it in public that I switched it off and went surfing for porn instead.

Gore Score D
Norks Score C-
Originality Score D
Overall Score F