Nun


(Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/ )

So, it’s the day before Grand Theft Auto 4 is released which means it’s probably best I get this review up now. My horror film geek hat has to come off to make room for the XBox one, if only for a week or so.

The Dead Pit doesn’t really start off particularly impressively, or with much originality. A crazed doctor in a mental hospital is murdering patients and performing bizarre brain experiments on them in the hospital basement. What he’s trying to achieve isn’t fully explained, except that ‘The Brain is a Parasite’ and is a barrier to freeing the mind, apparently. Ah, so filling dead peoples heads with formaldehyde and dumping the bodies in a pit is the way to go then.

Anyway, after this mad surgeon has been killed off by another doctor the story cuts to 20 years later. A new patient with amnesia is admitted who suffers from flashbacks and nightmares – strangely involving being tied up in a shower and hosed down with water by a nurse until all her clothes fall off – I know we’ve all had that one.

From here onward it plays out like a creepy ghost story, at least for most of the film. The amnesiac woman sees visions of the murdered doctor around the hospital that nobody else notices, the dribbly mental patients wander around and act as bog standard cliche mental patients do, and hospital residents go missing all the time without the police ever becoming involved.

Of course, it turns out the amnesiac woman wasn’t totally mad at all. There is a ghostly zombie doctor murdering patients again, and this time he’s somehow managed to bring them all back to life to go on murderous brain gathering rampages.

It’s actually quite nicely filmed, with the nighttime shots filled with ghostly luminous colours, and the gore effects, when they actually get going, are also pretty decent. Faces melt with holy water (the only way to kill these zombies apparently), brains get ripped out and fondled (although never eaten) and the Zombie Surgeon prods around in unwilling victims skulls with needles. Overall it’s a reasonably creepy little number but the shuffling zombies took far too long to make an appearance, which is a shame as they’re proper zombies too – rotting, shuffling along and searching for Brains! What more would you want from the undead?

Gore Score C+
Norks Score C
Overall Score C

plane dead

AKA Plane Dead

“Your ‘Side Effects’ have eaten half the passengers!”

In simple terms, Snakes on a Plane. But with zombies. Certainly not the greatest Zombie flick in history, or even in recent years, but reasonably enjoyable.

Cryogenic zombie being transported in passenger jet. Lightning strikes plane…. off we go!

US Jocks on their way to a surfing holiday – in Paris, (hmm) get eaten. Nun gets eaten, but doesn’t get to go Ninja-Nun on some zombie ass beforehand, OR even eat anyone else as a Zombie Nun! (Wasted opportunity). Japanese man gets turned into a zombie while wearing his seatbelt, and spends the film sat there trying to bite passengers from his seat. (And even tries to eat a whole fighter jet. As you do).

Sounds brilliant, yes, but really lacking in the primary areas of trashy zombie films – gore and norks. The gore consists of just blood being sprayed everywhere. Very little actual munching or gory bits. Guy does get his head knocked away with a golf club, and some legs get ripped off, but that’s it though. Very tame. Also, what’s going on with the couple sneaking off to the lav for a quickie, but then just cutting to them returning to their seats! (Even Snakes On A Plane managed a nookie scene). Dear o’ dear.

If you’re making a trashy zombie film, it needs the trash.
Gore Score – 2/5
Norks Score – 0.5/5
Overall Score – 3/5
Low on trash, but still enjoyable.