Zombie Movie Review: Zombie Chronicles

Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/)

vector image for the movie Zombie Chronicles

vector image for the movie Zombie Chronicles

An old friend of mine warned me off this film a long time ago telling me that it was utter horse-turd.  I was also well aware that it was released on the ‘Hard Gore’ label, which (from numerous personal experiences) almost always means ‘avoid this DVD as if it had smallpox’.

Despite all this I took the plunge and paid actual money for this film when I found it for better-than-cheap on eBay.  I remember the trailer as having some rather impressive gore, and I figured that ‘hey, even if the movie is awful at least the gore looks impressive’.  And I was right.  To an extent.

As I expected, all the best gore in the film is present during the trailer itself, without any of the guff plot and acting to sift through.  However apart from this standard cardinal sin the movie makes an even more inexplicable error right from the start : The opening credits are interspersed with upcoming scenes from the film, showing the actual deaths of the characters before we’ve even been introduced to them!  Yes, after the credits you will recognise that ‘this dude gets his ear bitten off’ and ‘this guy gets his head ripped away’, as well as ‘oh, that’s the girl who gets her eyes pulled out’.  It takes even the slightest possibility of enjoyment from this movie out of the equation as soon as the film starts. I spent the whole 70-odd minutes waiting for the gore effect i’d seen in the opening to happen to the current character on screen that I knew was due.

It is all unbelievably boring, and the filmmakers must have know this because they split the movie into two different parts.  The first follows an army veteran who is out driving in some forest with his girlfriend.  Some un-noteworthy nonsense happens resulting in his girlfriend being tied to a tree by some dude, and the veteran is forced to exercise himself to death .  Yes, he is killed by press-ups and star-jumps. NOT EVEN BY A ZOMBIE!

The 2nd equally unexciting episode follows a couple and their random friend who are out camping in (what looks like) the same forest, when they uncover a grave of an old pirate looking family who come back to life and kill everyone.  Surprisingly.

If it hadn’t lost enough points from just being eyebleedingly boring, the film also loses points by committing the ultimate no-no.  A really really awful sex scene in which the young lady spends the entire (1 minute or so) still wearing her bra.  Seriously film-makers ; If your actress doesn’t want to show her norks on film then don’t bother including a ‘sexy’ romp in a tent.  It looks daft, is just as boring as the rest of the nonsense.

So there you go.  The zombie screen time in the whole film is about 3 minutes, and the trailer lasts for 4. Utterly worthless.  I’d probably prefer to leave wine stains on my tables than even take this disk out the box to use as a coaster in-case it reminds me of the film.

Gore Score C
Norks Score F-
Orginality Score D
Overall Score D-

Advertisements

2 responses to “Zombie Movie Review: Zombie Chronicles

  1. Truly awful film.Not even funny awful,Watching it was a waste of life.Only good point I bought it for next to nothing.Shall I burn it or just drop it in the bin?

    • Oh my yes, just re-reading this review reminded me of the pain of sitting through it. In fact, I now blame you for having reminding me of it!

      I thought the suffering endured from this film had been erased by time, but now that I have read the review again it all comes flooding back. Thanks a bunch.

      😉

Seen this zombie movie? What did you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s