Zombie Movie Review: Exhumed

Also posted at http://www.revenantmagazine.com/)

vector image of zombie movie Exhumed

vector image of zombie movie Exhumed

So there I was, sat in a crummy hotel room in London on my own on the ‘lavish’ single bed with the TV’s On-Screen Program Guide covering up the whole picture so I can only hear the sound in the background. Oh well, why not get some wine in and watch the only DVD I have with me on my laptop. ‘Exhumed’. It turns out that I should have chosen to watch the static program guide instead, to be honest.

Exhumed is a turgid anthology of semi-zombie horror. 3 totally random episodes with nothing in common apart from a bizarre cobbled-together ending that pretends to tie the stories together. Firstly there is the dull story about some Japanese dude and a monk wandering in a forest looking for some artifact that can bring the dead back to life. Luckily it’s all in Japanese which masks how bad the acting really is, but it was far from classic – The fight scenes and the looks into camera were pretty dire. There are a few zombies dotted around the forest who get killed off, but there are no scares or even any excitement.

Secondly is a strange black and white noir-style film, which features some of the most appalling acting I have ever seen. It follows the adventure of some private detective lass who joins a seedy club to investigate a missing persons case, I believe. However I spent most of this section of the film with my jaw on the floor amazed at just how terrible the performances actually were while knocking back the wine that I missed out on most of the excitement, if there was any. Seriously, it was like watching a children’s school play rehearsal.

Long after my interest had faded into nothingness came the 3rd in the anthology. It seems to be set in the future with some vampires and werewolves fighting about something-or-other. This is the episode with some actual gore, but it was so amateur in it’s execution and I was so bored at this time that I couldn’t care less about any of it. Even when the chainsaw is brought out to slice up some fake body-parts I was thinking of turning this abomination off. However I stuck it out and was mildly amused when the vampire : werewolf lesbian scene kicked off, but it wasn’t enough keep me entertained and I turned the film off and curled up in the small hotel bed.

I did watch most of the final scene the next day on my train home, but was so embarrased to be seen watching it in public that I switched it off and went surfing for porn instead.

Gore Score D
Norks Score C-
Originality Score D
Overall Score F

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4 responses to “Zombie Movie Review: Exhumed

  1. Pingback: Exhumed « EPICponyz

  2. Why do they even MAKE horror anthology movies? There’s not enough time for you to care what’s going on in each story to even get scared. I haven’t watched one since Creepshow.

    • Exactly. Zombie Chronicles was godawful as well.

      I only bought this film because I needed one that started with an ‘E’ to fill out my A-Z, forgetting I already had ‘Enter…Zombie King’.

      Anthologies are just 3 films that were too boring to make into a whole piece, cobbled together to make a film that’s worse than the sum of its parts.

  3. Zombie Chronilcles was hellishly bad, but damn you, I have added Exhumed to my list of films to watch, i have a bizarre fetish for agonizingly painful horrendous films of a horror nature

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